


All That Really Matters

by boobeika



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Autism, Blindness, Fluff and Angst, Hurt and comfort, M/M, Soft Chanyeol, baekhyun taking care of chanyeol, based on my own experiences, chanyeol is a baby, if you’re here from twitter i’m sorry i am now a better woman, this is not AGEPLAY so please search for that elsewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:08:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21746509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boobeika/pseuds/boobeika
Summary: Chanyeol spent his entire life in darkness. Until he met Baekhyun, the author with love in his heart and dreams in his head who showed him just how beautiful life can be.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 16
Kudos: 92





	All That Really Matters

**Author's Note:**

> You may notice that in this fic Chanyeol does not behave or function like most others. This is because he is based off of my experiences with autism. Most of the things he struggles with also affect me, though his blindness obviously adds a layer of difficult that I cannot understand but I did my best to try and write it accurately. Hope you enjoy :)

Chanyeol's favourite colour is blue. Blue, like the ocean he swims in every Summer. Like the blueberries he ate in the backyard when his mother would let him sit on the steps and listen to the children play nextdoor. Like the bedsheets he sleeps in every night as his boyfriend lovingly strokes his hair. 

His sister thinks it's weird for him to have a favourite colour. He's never even seen colour, or anything, for that matter, so how could he have a favourite? But for him, it was never about the colour itself. It's about all it represents. It's about the ocean, the feeling of freedom he got whenever he was allowed to float freely, feeling the world all around him, letting all his fear, sadness, anger melt into the gentle waves, all that tethers him to the mundane lost to the waters surrounding him. And it's about his boyfriend, Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun, who always announces the colour of his shirt when he gets dressed, who helped him dye his hair blue, just like the ocean, who always kisses him in front of the mirror, never failing to tell him how beautiful he is despite Chanyeol's refusal to believe that beauty could ever possess someone who could never know of it. Baekhyun, who drives for hours from their home in the city to the beach each time Chanyeol wants to swim, who always buys him the blue ice-cream that tastes like fireworks, who tells him whenever he sees a blue car and guides his hand to where he wants to wave. Who does everything for Chanyeol and expects nothing in return. 

Baekhyun doesn't think it's weird to have a favourite colour, even though he can't see. Everyone has a favourite colour, he says, even if they won't admit it. And for Chanyeol, colour is not something you can see. It's a feeling. 

It's the feeling of the waves that surround him, the feeling of nights spent in wordless embrace, listening to the soft tunes that play from the radio next to Chanyeol's bed. It's the feeling of piano keys beneath their fingers as they play at ungodly hours, working through frustration and confusion and raw emotion with song, no matter the time or place. It's the gentle hands which stroke his head as he falls asleep, the same hands that draw characters on their mirror with blue lipstick, the same hands he clings to when all the noise and feelings which surround him get too much and he wants nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry but he can't, it wouldn't be safe because he can't see where he is or what surrounds him. The same hands that hold him so dear as he tells him that everything will be okay. 

Right now, those hands guide Chanyeol through a music shop squished between two cafés in a quiet corner of Seoul. One of Baekhyun's hands are intertwined with Chanyeol's. Chanyeol doesn't know what the other is doing. 

"It's in my pocket," Baekhyun says when Chanyeol asks. "Holding my phone." 

"My other hand is in my pocket, too," Chanyeol says with a nod. "What are you doing right now?" 

"I'm smiling," Baekhyun tells him. "I'm smiling a lot, because I like being here with you." 

"It makes you happy." 

Baekhyun hums. "It does. It makes me very happy." 

"It makes me happy, too." 

A few metres away from them (or so he guesses), a bell rings softly. Someone says hello, and a female voice he doesn't recognise returns the greeting. 

"What's going on?" Chanyeol asks. 

"Someone just walked in, a woman. She's with the guitars now." 

As if to confirm his statement, someone, who Chanyeol can only assume is the woman who just entered, starts to strum on a guitar. It's out of tune. He tells her so and she laughs. 

"She's tuning the guitar now," Baekhyun says. 

After a few seconds, she strums again. It's in tune now and Chanyeol smiles. The smile is lopsided, Baekhyun tells him, always does, because he really likes Chanyeol's lopsided smile. It's cute, apparently. Chanyeol doesn't like his lopsided smile, though, he doesn't like his smile in general. He never smiled when he was younger, because smiling is something you do when you're happy, and he was not often happy. When he was, no one was around to see it, so he kept the fleeting happiness to himself. 

Now, though, now that Baekhyun's here, he smiles a lot, even though he doesn't like his smile, because he's happy a lot. Baekhyun makes him happy. And, though he doesn't like his smile, he really likes being happy. Baekhyun likes it too. 

The woman starts to play, softly at first, then louder. Chanyeol recognises this song. It's the song his best friend, Kyungsoo, always sang to him when they were kids, hanging out in Kyungsoo's treehouse that didn't have a roof so that the stars would shine down on them, casting a light which had shone for centuries before them, and would shine for centuries after them, illuminating their tiny corner of the world with a brilliant glow, as Kyungsoo would tell him each time the stars would shine, because he really liked the stars and wanted Chanyeol to like them too. Chanyeol has never seen a star, of course, but he likes to know they're there, shining so brightly upon him despite the fact that he will never know their wonder. And even though he knows they're in the music shop not far from their apartment, when the woman plays her gentle song, he's back in that treehouse beneath the stars, curled up on a beanbag beside Kyungsoo, listening to him play, softly humming along when it gets to the parts he knows by heart, snacking on the blueberries his mother put in a plastic box before he left, breathing the midnight's air and listening as a world so loud and so scary falls silent, if for just a moment, to listen to Kyungsoo play in the treehouse. 

He's back in his bedroom, trying to tune out yet another argument between his parents and sister with the CD of the song that Kyungsoo put together just for him, in the CD player that Kyungsoo had set up and showed him how to use with a calm and patience beyond their measly years. He's in an empty auditorium, listening to Kyungsoo rehearse his song for the millionth time, the song he's going to play in the talent show just for Chanyeol, just because Chanyeol likes it so much, just so he can see Chanyeol smile for once. 

He's back in Kyungsoo's living room, listening to that song, waiting for the boy to return home from tutoring the girl across the road so that he can watch the movie Kyungsoo's mother picked out because it was Kyungsoo's favourite and seemed right up his street. He's back at the kitchen table in Kyungsoo's house, practicing the speech he wrote the day before, asking Kyungsoo to officially be his because no one had ever made him happier than he did. That same song plays through the CD player on the counter. 

Then he's back on Kyungsoo's porch, listening to the boy's mother call for him, only ceasing in her shouts to talk to the policeman on the phone who she frantically called when Kyungsoo did not return home. He's back in his bedroom, the song playing on maximum volume through the speakers, trying to drown out the world he hated so, humming along to the whole song now, because he's heard it enough that he knows the whole thing, wishing nothing more than to be back in the tree house, where he was safe, where he was happy, where everything was okay. 

And then the song ends, and he's back in the music shop. He feels Baekhyun next to him, stroking his hand, and he rests his head on Baekhyun's shoulder. It's a long way down, and it must look pretty awkward, because Baekhyun starts to laugh. Loudly. 

"You're a bit tall to be doing that, Yeol." 

"Don't care," Chanyeol mumbles. "I like that song." 

"I know you do, baby, do you want to go home? You're tired." 

Chanyeol likes it when Baekhyun does that. Tells him what he's feeling. If it was anyone else, he'd hate it, because they'd probably be wrong, but Baekhyun is never wrong. He knows Chanyeol better than either of them know themselves, and he can always tell when he wants to leave. Chanyeol nods. 

"Let's go," Baekhyun says. "It'll get dark soon." 

"Dark," Chanyeol says. "Dark is black, like coal and your t-shirt." 

"Wow, some memory you have," Baekhyun says. "I'm smiling right now. You always remember the colour of my shirt." 

"Your shirts smell different. I like the blue one the best. It smells like you. This one smells like coffee." 

"I'm smiling again," Baekhyun says. "But yes, you're right. Dark is black. The sky will turn black soon." 

"Black like coal," Chanyeol nods. "So we have to go home." 

"That's right, Yeol, let's go home." 

Baekhyun shouts a thank you to the shop owner before pulling gently on Chanyeol's hand and guiding him out the shop and onto the street. The walk to their apartment is short, and they're back in the living room in no time. Chanyeol is sitting on the sofa. Frozen is playing on the TV. Baekhyun is in the kitchen, cooking something or other, and every few minutes he calls to check on Chanyeol, asking if he's okay, and Chanyeol says he's fine and asks him when dinner is ready. Baekhyun says soon. 

When soon comes, Baekhyun guides him to the kitchen table and Chanyeol whines, because he wants to eat on the sofa, but stops when Baekhyun scolds him for putting up a fuss.

"Sorry," he mutters. 

"It's okay, Yeol, just eat your dinner." 

"What is it?" 

"Chicken nuggets. My hands are sore, so I can't help you with cutlery. So I made chicken nuggets."

"Can I eat with my fingers?" 

"Yes, Yeol, you can. Chew slowly, though, I don't want you choking." 

Chanyeol chews slowly, just like Baekhyun told him to. Baekhyun praises him and he smiles. 

"I'm smiling," Chanyeol says. 

"I know," Baekhyun says. "I'm smiling too. You're doing so well." 

Chanyeol finishes his meal, feeling around the plate to make sure there's nothing left, and asks Baekhyun for desert. Baekhyun gives him a little bar of chocolate, which he devours, and they walk to the bin so that Chanyeol can throw the wrapper away. By then, it's 9PM, and Chanyeol is exhausted, so Baekhyun helps him get changed and brush his teeth before tucking him into bed. 

"I'm coming to lie with you now," he says, and, sure enough, Chanyeol feels Baekhyun snuggle up next to him and pull him into his embrace. He must have changed into his pyjamas, because he doesn't smell like coffee anymore. 

"Do you want me to sing?" Baekhyun asks gently. 

Chanyeol nods. "Yes please." 

"Which song?"

"Your song. Beautiful." 

"I'm smiling. Okay," Baekhyun says. 

His words fade into silence and Chanyeol waits, eyes closed even though it makes no difference to what he sees, curled up in Baekhyun's loving arms and gives a soft whine because this is taking too long, he wants Baekhyun to sing and help him let go of everything that's happened, everything that will happen, and just live here, in the moment, with Baekhyun, where everything is safe and okay. Baekhyun's hands, those soft hands that Chanyeol loves so much, start to stroke his head and Chanyeol leans into the touch. 

Usually, Chanyeol doesn't like people touching him. Most of the time, he doesn't know who they are or why they're touching him, and he pushes them away because it scares him, the idea of being touched by something he cannot see. But Baekhyun is different. He's different in just about every aspect, but especially when it comes to touch. Baekhyun knows when he can touch him and when he can't, knows when it will soothe him and when it will upset him and only end in a meltdown. When Baekhyun touches Chanyeol, he feels safe. Loved. Cherished. 

"What are you thinking about?" Baekhyun asks. 

"You," Chanyeol replies. 

Baekhyun gives a satisfied hum, hands still stroking the boy's head, and it puts Chanyeol further at ease. He feels his eyes start to droop as tiredness begins to overtake him and Baekhyun laughs. 

"Precious baby," he mumbles. 

"Sing," Chanyeol demands and Baekhyun laughs again. 

"Okay, okay, give me a sec," he says. "You wanted Beautiful, right?" 

Chanyeol hums. He's so tired, exhausted by the day's adventure, that even words escape him. All he wants now is to hear Baekhyun sing. 

Baekhyun takes a few seconds to prepare, clearing his throat and adjusting his position to ensure that Chanyeol is comfortable enough to fall asleep to the song. Chanyeol gives soft whines as he's moved and Baekhyun has to physically restrain himself from turning the boy over and attacking him with soft kisses. Once Baekhyun deems them comfortable enough, he starts to sing. 

The song is slow and tender, each word dripping with a love so sincere, so raw and so real that it seems like something out of a fairytale, like fiction carved from fantasy, barely reminiscent of reality itself but it's not fantasy, it's the reality that Baekhyun has spent so long building through love and patience, through the little things, their apparent insignificance far outweighed by their importance to Chanyeol. Each word puts his every worry at ease. It paves a path through the field of terror which has been left to bloom in Chanyeol's mind for so long and he can barely comprehend it, can barely believe the presence of a being so magical and with a beauty so radiant that it transcends sight and words and all the things Chanyeol struggles with, all the things he has spent a lifetime without, a lifetime that now makes sense, everything makes sense.

That night, Chanyeol falls asleep in Baekhyun's arms, to the sound of his soft song and the traffic flowing beneath their open window.  
______________

It is the smell of fresh pancakes that wakes him the next morning - or, as Baekhyun so smugly informs him, afternoon. When Baekhyun helps him to sit up, humming the theme to some TV show he's been watching, Chanyeol's anticipation for his meal only grows stronger with each second he's forced to wait. 

"Baekhyun," he whines. "Now." 

"Manners, Chanyeol," Baekhyun responds. "If I give you the pancakes right now, they'll fall off the plate. So wait." 

Chanyeol huffs. He doesn't like waiting. It's boring. "But- but please, Baekhyun. Pretty please." 

"Chanyeol, I'm not trying to withhold your breakfast from you, I'm trying to make sure you're not going to spill it all over yourself. Because I know you'll cry if you do." 

"Will not." 

"Yes you will, Yeol. Just trust me, okay?"

Chanyeol gives an overly loud sigh and nods. "Okay." 

The pancakes arrive on his lap seconds later and he dives into them immediately, despite Baekhyun's warnings to take it slow. A moan of satisfaction escapes him the moment he tastes the pancakes, and he must look pretty blissed out, because Baekhyun gives a loud laugh and ruffles his hair. 

"Do you like it? How do they taste?" He asks, though he knows the answer. 

"I love it!" Chanyeol sings. "They taste amazing, like- like- uh, like… like happiness." 

Baekhyun giggles softly, so softly you can barely hear it, and Chanyeol can't help but smile. In all his life, he has never, will never hear a sound so beautiful as Baekhyun's laugh.

"I like your laugh," he says. 

"I know you do, Yeol, I like yours too. I wish you'd laugh more." 

Chanyeol doesn't know what to say to that. So he just nods. 

Baekhyun only lets him have two pancakes, despite the campaign Chanyeol launches in a pitiful attempt to allow himself a third. Chanyeol whines and complains all through Toy Story and by the time it's done he can almost feel the man's annoyance. 

"Chanyeol," he begins, anger seeping into his voice. "When I say no to something, do you know what that means?" 

Chanyeol hesitates. This seems like a trick question. "Uh… means no?" 

"That's right." 

Hoping that Baekhyun is proud of him, Chanyeol asks if he's smiling. He's not. 

"As cute as I find your whining, it's not so cute when you do it all through the movie. My favourite movie, no less."

Chanyeol has never been good with emotions, especially not other people's emotions, but he can tell that Baekhyun's annoyed with him. It makes him sad and he tells him so. 

"I'm sad too, Chanyeol, because you didn't listen to me and ruined the movie," Baekhyun says. "Are your feelings more important than mine?" 

"No, no they're not, sorry, I'm sorry," Chanyeol says, feeling panic setting in. He doesn't like it when people are mad at him. He hates it when Baekhyun's mad at him. 

Baekhyun can obviously tell that Chanyeol's panicking, because he gives a loud sigh and pulls Chanyeol into a hug. 

"There's no need to cry, Yeol. I'm not angry." 

Chanyeol calms down a bit at his words, but guilt still rushes through his veins. He nuzzles into Baekhyun's chest, listens to his heartbeat as the man whispers softly into his ear, moving between mumbles and scattered song, focuses on the sound of his voice and the steady beat of his heart. Baekhyun seems to catch onto what he's doing, because his mumbles and songs turn to praise, to reassurances that he's doing so good, he makes him so proud, he loves him so much, just keep breathing, listen to my voice, good boy, just breathe, breathe, breathe. 

And Chanyeol breathes. In. Out. In. Out. Counts to three each time, focuses on the breath, imagines himself in his happy place, in the ocean with Baekhyun, clinging to his loving arms and forgetting everything, where everything is quiet, where he's free to think and free to not think at all.

And then, slowly, so slowly, he takes himself away from the ocean and the quiet, just like Baekhyun taught him to, focuses on his surroundings and his breathing and Baekhyun's voice, and brings himself back to reality, back to the world around him, where Baekhyun still holds him like the most precious thing, where his hands run through his hair, gently stroking the fading blue, where he's safe and happy and okay. 

"Are we back, Yeol?" Baekhyun asks. 

Chanyeol nods. He doesn't feel like talking. It's a good thing Baekhyun's not blind too. 

"Good boy. You did well, you know? I'm proud of you." 

Baekhyun pauses, like he's waiting for a response, but seems to gather pretty quickly that Chanyeol won't be responding anytime soon. He pulls Chanyeol closer to him, so the boy's head is in the crook of his neck, and Chanyeol gives a satisfied hum and pushes into Baekhyun's touch with a soft smile. He loves hugs. Especially hugs from Baekhyun. 

"Do you want to go out to eat?" Baekhyun asks. 

Chanyeol shrugs. He doesn't want to think right now. 

"Or there's food in the fridge. Chinese, I think, there might be some pizza too. How does that sound?" 

Chanyeol perks up at that. "Cheese?" He whispers. 

"I don't know, Yeol, you'll have to let go so I can check. Is that alright?" 

Chanyeol gives a soft whine, a slight pout on his lips, and Baekhyun laughs and ruffles his hair. "I'm guessing the answer is no." 

Chanyeol shakes his head. "Wanna… wanna stay here with you." 

"Okay, baby, we can stay. But we'll have to eat soon, okay?"

"Okay."

"Good boy. Do you want to watch another movie?" 

"Zootopia."

"Can you ask me nicely, Chanyeol?" 

Chanyeol huffs. "Zootopia please." 

Baekhyun laughs and presses a kiss to Chanyeol's forehead. "Good boy. But you'll have to let me up so I can put the DVD in the player, alright?"

Chanyeol groans, but gives a small nod He doesn't want Baekhyun to leave him. But he really wants to watch Zootopia. "Hurry, Baek," he says. 

"I will, promise." 

Baekhyun keeps his promise, just like he always does, and barely a minute passes before he's back on the sofa with Chanyeol, holding him tightly in his arms, like he's afraid the boy will slip away if he doesn't cling to him. Chanyeol snuggles into his chest, his eyes already drooping closed. Baekhyun laughs. 

"We're not falling asleep already, are we?" He asks. 

"No no," Chanyeol mumbles. "Just play it."

Baekhyun doesn't respond.

"Please," Chanyeol adds. 

"There we go," Baekhyun says and Chanyeol rolls his eyes. 

They sit through a few minutes of ads, Chanyeol nearly dozing off during an ad for some movie he's already watched and hated, but eventually make it to the start of the movie. When the first scene starts to play, Chanyeol jumps in excitement, eagerly clapping his hands together, and Baekhyun softly shushes him. 

"Don't you want to hear it?" 

Chanyeol nods. "Sorry." 

"It's alright, love, let's just watch. I know this one's your favourite." 

Chanyeol pouts, but allows himself to be pulled into Baekhyun's embrace and curls up in the warmth of his loving arms, the big strong arms that always hold him so close, so delicately, so protectively. The feeling alone, of love and peace and safety, makes him sleepy, sleepy enough that he's dozed off before Judy Hopps has even made it to Zootopia. 

When he wakes a few hours later, Baekhyun still holds him like the most precious thing in the world. His arms are wrapped tightly around his torso, face buried in a mop of blue hair as he hums a gentle song and Chanyeol gives a soft giggle. 

"Baekhyun?" He says. 

"Good morning, sunshine," Baekhyun whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. 

"Did I fall… asleep?" Chanyeol asks. 

"Mhm. About halfway through, I think." 

"Sorry." 

"None of that, Yeol, there's nothing to be sorry for. You needed the rest. I changed my shirt, by the way, while you were sleeping," Baekhyun tells him. "It's pink now." 

Chanyeol hesitates, trying to remember what pink means to him. "Pink is candyfloss and sunsets and… and your hair." 

He's rewarded with a soft kiss to his forehead that he leans into with a small smile. "Well done. Do you want to sleep a bit more? Or maybe some dinner?" 

"Dinner?" Chanyeol blurts. "What time is it?" 

"Nearly 8PM, love," Baekhyun says. "You slept the whole day away." 

"Oh," Chanyeol whispers, unsure of what to say. 

"Come on then, I'll make something to eat." 

"Noodles." 

"Noodles? What kind of noodles?" 

"Uh… beef noodles." 

"Coming right up, sir," Baekhyun says. "I'm gonna get up now, but I'm not leaving you, okay? I'll be back soon, I'm just making noodles."

"Back soon," Chanyeol repeats. 

"Yes, is that okay? You can come with me if you like." 

"No," Chanyeol says. "I wanna stay here. It's warm." 

"Okay, love, you stay here. I'll be back soon, alright?" 

Chanyeol huffs, annoyed that Baekhyun's leaving, but is too hungry to ask him to stay. "Okay. Back soon?"

"Back soon," Baekhyun confirms, and Chanyeol can hear the happiness in his voice. It makes him smile and Baekhyun's doesn't waste the opportunity to remind him just how beautiful that smile is. 

"I think I'd like your smile too," Chanyeol mumbles. 

"I think you would," Baekhyun agrees, "but your smile is much prettier." 

"It's sideways. I can feel it. I think it's weird." 

Baekhyun gives a soft laugh. "Chanyeol, as much as I'd like to tell you all about that smile of yours, it's almost dinner time and I can feel your hunger from over here. So I'm gonna go and make those noodles. Back soon." 

"Back soon." 

Somehow, Chanyeol manages not to latch onto Baekhyun before he can leave and beg him to stay. It's what he usually does, and it sometimes buys 5 minutes, but honestly, there's nothing he cares more about right now than those beef noodles he was promised, so he soldiers through the couple of minutes he spends alone. Baekhyun calls through from the kitchen now and then, a reminder that he's here, he's coming back, he still loves him, and Chanyeol responds with a hum or a soft "okay" to let Baekhyun know that he's doing fine, he's not going to fall into a heap on the floor over a few minutes without Baekhyun. Not again. 

Minutes later, Baekhyun is back. He can probably sense that Chanyeol is on the verge of a hunger-fed meltdown, for he wastes no time in helping Chanyeol up from the sofa and guiding him to the table. Almost immediately, the smell of beef fills his nose and he damn near melts. He's been waiting so long for this. So long that he's almost dug right in before he remembers one of Baekhyun's many golden rules. 

"Can I start?" He asks. 

"Of course, Yeol, go ahead," Baekhyun says. "Well done for using your manners." 

Now that manners are out of the way, Chanyeol dives into his meal, gobbling up the noodles and making sure to exaggerate each slurp. Baekhyun laughs. "I'm smiling. My boy was hungry, huh?" 

"Yes," Chanyeol says. "Super hungry. More hungry than you, Baekhyun." 

Baekhyun just hums, apparently unsure of what to say, but Chanyeol doesn't really care. He's far more concerned with the beef noodles in front of him, and whether or not he can eat them all before Baekhyun starts to scold him for his lack of manners. But Baekhyun just laughs. No matter how much he slurps, and how borderline atrocious his manners become, he just laughs, that loud, infectious laugh which is only reserved for his happiest times. It makes Chanyeol laugh too, harder than he's laughed in weeks, months even, and his hands flap happily in time with his laughter. 

That's how they end up here, in the bathroom, Chanyeol fiddling with an elephant doll his neighbour, a singer named Junmyeon with a voice that sounds like peace, bought for him the week before as Baekhyun attempts to wipe out the stains which now cover Chanyeol's shirt thanks to the noodles which spilled from his mouth the moment he burst into giggles. He's humming something, a strange song Chanyeol barely recognises, but he likes the tune, and he really likes Baekhyun's voice. It's the sort of voice you hear once, maybe twice in a lifetime, or maybe never at all. The sort of voice that makes you stop and listen, that makes the scary world a little less scary, if for just a moment, as his voice takes your hand, holds your every dream, your every memory and your every wish and builds a path towards them, past the fears and regrets which once haunted you but are now nothing but background noise, past the big bad world and to eternity, where mountains loom and rivers flow without worry, where the birds sing songs of joy and freedom and nothing matters, has ever mattered except except the blood which pushes through your veins and the people, the moments and the memories that keep it pushing. 

He's so lost in Baekhyun's voice that he barely registers that they've left the bathroom and are now walking towards what he can only assume is his bedroom. One of Baekhyun's arms is wrapped around his waist while the other is interlocked with Chanyeol's arm, and Chanyeol gives a hum of content and rests his head on Baekhyun's shoulder. Baekhyun laughs, as always, before pushing open the door to their bedroom and helping Chanyeol get himself into bed. 

"Oh!" Baekhyun says, just as Chanyeol starts to make himself comfortable. "I forgot! We need to brush your teeth. And get you in your pyjamas. Come on." 

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol groans. The last syllable is long and drawn-out, a trademark of Chanyeol's whining. "No time. Wanna sleep." 

"No, Yeol. You're not going to sleep without brushing your teeth. And no way are you going to sleep in your day clothes. Up we get." 

Baekhyun's arm wraps around Chanyeol's torso and pulls him from the bed despite Chanyeol's whines of protest. They trudge back to the bathroom, where Chanyeol whines and grumbles as Baekhyun helps him brush his teeth and sulks as he helps him into his pyjamas. When they're done, Chanyeol flops onto the bed and hides himself under the covers. By the time Baekhyun is beside him, pulling him onto his chest and pressing soft kisses to the top of his head, Chanyeol feels himself fade, float away from the world and all within it as slumber takes a hold of him once again. 

And so it begins. As it always does, every night without fail. 

Baekhyun's voice, his beautiful, heavenly voice, has stopped singing, faded just as Chanyeol had faded out of reality and into the dreamworld which houses all he hopes for, all he dreams for and all he fears. Tonight, the magic of Baekhyun's voice is nowhere to be found. Tonight, the world falls silent. And then it starts. Distant, at first, then louder, closer. Baekhyun. But it's not the Baekhyun he knows, not the man who holds him so dearly, who sings him to sleep beneath endless starlight. This is different. So different. 

He's still singing, just like he always does, but the song is strange and unfamiliar, unlike anything he's heard before. His voice is broken and unbearably loud, like broken wails, stuck on repeat, falling into each other until they form a soundtrack of desperation, of fear and of loneliness, of everything that follows Chanyeol every single day. 

He doesn't know where to go, what to do, what to look for and what to run from. He wants to find Baekhyun, needs to find Baekhyun, but he knows that he is nowhere to be found. Whoever, whatever this is, is not Baekhyun. It's an imposter, a strange phenomenon bore from the lack of everything that makes him feel safe and warm and protected and everything he isn't right now. He needs to get away from it. That's not Baekhyun. Baekhyun's not here. He needs to run. 

So he runs. Runs through the darkness that is so familiar to him, runs until Baekhyun's - no, not Baekhyun's voice is distant, a faint echo barely heard above the silence he finds a temporary solace in. But it's not enough. He needs to get away. 

He runs further and further, ignoring the pain that begins to swallow him, ignoring his own screams and begs to slow down, stop, let him breathe. Ignoring everything, until that voice, that song, those wails, are a painfully familiar memory. 

It's silent now, so incredibly silent. He never knew it could be so comforting. He closes his eyes and falls to the floor in a miserable heap. He wants to go home. He wants to wake up. 

Wake up. He wants to wake up. This isn't real. This is just a dream. It's not real. 

He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut, wraps his arms around his chest, trying to protect him from whatever surely lurks nearby, and forces himself awake, pushing himself from three silence and all within.

And he wakes, back in his own bed. But even the bed seems unfamiliar, entirely unlike the bed he's used to. It's hard and uncomfortable, and some thing's sticking to him, wrapping around him, suffocating him, pulling him under, pulling him away from all he knows, all that is safe, away from Baekhyun and his music and the ocean, further and further away, until even Chanyeol seems unfamiliar to himself, a stranger in his own life, his own story which has been bent, distorted by fear and panic. He needs to find Baekhyun. He needs Baekhyun. Where is he? 

"Baekhyun?" He shouts, voice rough and laced with fear. "Baekhyun, come back, come back, please, please! Baekhyun!" 

His begs turn to mindless babble, words he  
barely hears, let alone understands, pouring from his mouth with each shaking breath. The silence which surrounds him, drowns him, is louder than anything he has heard before, almost deafening in the loneliness and dread it brings and he can't take it, can't take it any longer, can barely hold himself up within its grasp, wants to run from it but he can't, he knows he can't, there's no escape, nowhere to go. 

Then he's choking. Choking on his own breaths, on the words which get stuck in his throat, words which have lost all meaning but still follow him, still haunt him, mocking and taunting him with their unfamiliarity. Where is Baekhyun? Why isn't he here yet? He needs a word. Just one. If he can force that out, just one word, maybe others will come with it. 

So he finds one, as he does each time they leave him, pulls it from the heap of letters and words and sounds that are so foreign, and pulls it closer to himself, forces out of it another word, then another, then another. 

"Where am I?" He shouts. "Where am I? Baekhyun?" 

Baekhyun is there in an instant, strong arms wrapping around Chanyeol like a shield, his only shield from the fears which surround him, suck him in and grow, feed off his every cry, his every scream and his every beg to let him go, please let him go. But not anymore. Baekhyun is here now, his shield, his only protector, the only thing that grounds him to an earth so strange and terrifying. He feels himself begin to rock in the man's embrace, ever so slightly, but it's enough to make him melt, to soothe his every worry and remind him of who he is, where he is and where he belongs. 

"I'm here," Baekhyun whispers. "You're safe, Chanyeol, I'm here."

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol whimpers. "Baekhyun, help me." 

"Shh, you're alright, baby. You're safe here. We're just at home, no one's gonna hurt you here."

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol repeats. He wants to say something else, wants to tell Baekhyun what happened, what he felt and heard, wants him to help make sense of what's going on in his head, what it is that torments him so ruthlessly, so mercilessly, but the words don't come. They never do. Not at times like this. Right now, all he wants, all he knows is Baekhyun. 

But Baekhyun understands. From one word, just one word, he understands, Chanyeol knows he does, he always does. Maybe that's why they go so well together. Baekhyun always understands. He always knows what Chanyeol needs, even if Chanyeol can't even begin to put how he feels into words even he himself can understand, Baekhyun knows what he needs and gives it to him, no matter how simple or complicated it is, and expects nothing in return. 

"Thank you," Chanyeol whispers. "Thank you so much." 

"You're welcome, baby," Baekhyun says. "You're always welcome."

"Stay with me, Baekhyun, don't leave me." 

"I'm not going anywhere," Baekhyun reassures, voice soft and gentle, so tender and caring that Chanyeol wants to fall further into his embrace, to hide inside him forever, away from anything that could hurt him, anything that could hurt Baekhyun.

But he can’t. Beyond Baekhyun’s embrace, beyond their cocoon of safety, lies a world from which neither of them can escape, an ever-changing chaos which cannot be fully digested or understood, built from everything that makes us human - our every dream, our every hope and regret, each moment that stays with and shapes us, everything we have said and done and everything we have hidden away. And it's daunting. So very daunting, so daunting that he wants to run from it, to flee the mess the world has made of him and everyone else who sits atop it. But wherever he goes, however far he journeys, the world will follow him like a dark cloud, and so too will the chaos and confusion which lies within. 

But it doesn't matter, not right now. Right now, everything that lies beyond their window is irrelevant, a tiny speck of insignificance among a sprawling galaxy, of stars, planets, moons, of everything they have built and worked for together. And that's what matters right now. What they've done. What they will do. Everything that has shaped who they are and will shape who they will become. Them. All that matters is them, and the bond of love and complete, unconditional trust that binds them together for eternity. 

He falls asleep with a smile on his face, surrounded by safety and joy.  
______________

The next morning, Chanyeol wakes up in Baekhyun's arms and immediately demands to be taken down to the living room to play with his toys. Baekhyun mutters something about manners but concedes, lovingly guiding Chanyeol to the living room and helping him sit down on the floor before turning on the TV so that he can have some sort of entertainment while he's making breakfast. Annie is playing, and while it's not Chanyeol's favourite movie, he happily sings along to the lyrics he barely knows as he attempts to figure out which toys Baekhyun's left on the floor for him. He picks the first one up. It's soft, lovely to touch, but so are most of his toys. He feels its face and feels a smile reach his own. It's Nana the elephant. 

A few more minutes of investigation reveal the others; Ellie the corgi, Nini the baby bear, Kyungie the penguin, Madi the puppy and Minnie the kitten. His best friends. Minus Baekhyun, of course. 

The next few minutes pass blissfully, wrapped in his own imagination as his friends go on various adventures in an effort to defeat their recurring enemy, Raegan the rat. Annie provides a constant soundtrack and he happily claps along to the happy songs coming from the TV. 

After his friends' fifteenth consecutive defeat of Raegan the rat, Baekhyun comes to sit beside him and presses a cup of milk into Chanyeol's hands. "Who's winning?" He asks. 

"Good guys," Chanyeol says between small sips of his milk. 

“Good, good… um. Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says slowly, like he’s about to break some bad news. “It’s 1PM. I need to pick up a couple things.”

“Pick up,” Chanyeol mutters. “Off the floor? No, wait. The store. Right?”

Baekhyun laughs. “Yeah, from the store. Well done. I’m smiling right now.”

“Me too. Do I… do I have to come?”

The sigh that follows is so soft Chanyeol can barely hear it, but it tells him everything he needs to know. “You do, Yeol, I can’t leave you here.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol whines. “Don’t wanna.”

“I know, baby, and I know it’s a scary thought for you right now, but I really do need to go if we’re planning on eating tonight. And the fresh air will do you some good.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol whines again. “Please. I don’t want to.”

Baekhyun sighs once more, his irritation evident, and Chanyeol feels a twinge of guilt. He tries to be good for Baekhyun, tries to make things easy for him as he does for Chanyeol, and he knows he’s being difficult right now. But the idea of going out in the state he’s in right now, even just to the store, utterly terrifies him. The outside world is so unpredictable, especially when you can’t see what’s going on, and right now he can’t bear the thought of facing it.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts. “I know it’s scary to go out, even I get scared sometimes, but sometimes it’s good to face our fears like this. And I’ll be with you the whole time. Nothing can hurt you while I’m there, remember?”

Chanyeol smiles slightly. “Yeah.”

“I promise you’ll be okay, alright?”

“Alright.”

“I’ve put my hand out. Do you want to do a pinkie promise?”

“Yes please,” Chanyeol says, allowing Baekhyun to grab his hand and intertwine his pinkie with his own.

“I'm smiling. There we go,” Baekhyun says. “Come on, let’s get you dressed, yeah?”

Once they're both dressed, Chanyeol in his favourite fluffy jumper that feels like hugs and Baekhyun in a soft shirt that he happily tells Chanyeol is blue, just like the ocean, they head out the door and into the big bad world beyond. Clutching a tiny panda teddy Baekhyun's friend Jongin had bought him, he clings like a child to Baekhyun's side, burying his head in his arm as they walk down the street towards the store. The streets are packed, filled with voices and people and sounds and smells, and it's almost overwhelming, but Baekhyun doesn't hesitate to pull him close and remind him that he's safe, they're almost there, and nothing and no one can hurt him. 

They soon enter Chanyeol's favourite store, the tiny convenience store with a monstrous collection to stuffed toys, and Chanyeol almost manages to break free from Baekhyun's grip and collect as many toys as his arms can carry. Almost. But alas, Baekhyun is too quick, and quickly tightens his grip and reminds Chanyeol to stay with him. Chanyeol huffs but agrees, not wanting to be denied the right to get a toy. Eventually, once Baekhyun has collected everything he needs, he guides Chanyeol to the toy section and helps him pick out a tiny stuffed dinosaur. Chanyeol is utterly enchanted by the strange bumps going up its back, something Baekhyun doesn't hesitate to tell him makes him smile. 

"What are you going to name it?" He asks as they walk to the counter. "Have you decided yet?" 

"Yes," Chanyeol says. "Chen!"

"Chen? That's not a very scary name. I thought dinosaurs were supposed to be scary." 

"He's not scary. Didn't you watch the Good Dinosaur? He's nice. Like me." 

Baekhyun laughs. "I see. Nice like Yeollie. Makes sense." 

"But he has a twin. An evil twin. Called Jongdae." 

"Jongdae?" 

"Yes," Chanyeol says, voice serious. "But it's okay, they're still friends. Jongdae buys Chen chocolate sometimes."

"Interesting," Baekhyun says. "My brother doesn't buy me chocolate. I'm gonna confront him about that." 

They apparently reach the counter, for a slightly familiar voice greets them politely, but Chanyeol, still not done with the conversation, continues. "I like your brother. Even though he sings weird."

"He does sing weird," Baekhyun agrees with a laugh. "I'll be telling him you said that." 

Chanyeol smiles and nuzzles into Baekhyun's neck. As he pays, Baekhyun places a hand to Chanyeol's head and rubs small circles in his messy hair. Chanyeol hums contentedly, pushing further and further into his touch until Baekhyun gently pushes him off and tells him it's time to go home. 

The streets are calmer now, almost silent except for the distant sounds of the traffic that floods a far-away road and the keys which shake and jingle in Baekhyun's pocket. Chanyeol's arm is wrapped around Baekhyun's and he walks with a spring in his step; a rarity for a boy who is normally far too self-conscious to do anything but cling to Baekhyun and hide in his embrace. He's happy. For once, he is truly happy. Until he isn't. 

"Excuse me," someone says. Their voice is low and cold and it puts Chanyeol on edge. His grip on Baekhyun's arm tightens and he bends down to snuggle into his neck. As always, Baekhyun understands, and he runs a gentle hand through Chanyeol's hair. 

"Can I help you?" Baekhyun asks. 

"Yes," says the stranger, "you can. I couldn't help but notice your… friend." 

"Boyfriend," Baekhyun corrects. 

“My apologies," the stranger says. "I couldn't help but notice your partner here and I was just wondering why…" 

"Why what?" Baekhyun asks, voice growing colder. 

"Why you be with someone like that." 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Baekhyun asks, but Chanyeol already knows. They both do. 

It's not easy loving Chanyeol. Not that he's unlovable, no, if he even thought about uttering those words he'd have an earful of a very angry Baekhyun jumping into his third I Love You So Much How Dare You Sell Yourself Short lecture of the day. It's not easy to love Chanyeol because loving Chanyeol doesn't just mean loving Chanyeol. It means caring for him, providing for him, protecting him from a world that wants to hurt him, becoming his shield, his safe place, his lifeline and his entire world. It means giving everything you have and more, pouring every droplet of your love into someone who still struggles to comprehend it. 

And doing that takes patience. It takes kindness and generosity, it takes selflessness and strength and above all it takes love. A whole lot of it. Right from the start. As much as the human heart can possibly muster. But that was no problem for Baekhyun. Because Baekhyun, beautiful Baekhyun, has always had so much love to give.

But does he give enough in return? Does he give anything? Even a fraction of all the love Baekhyun gives him, makes sure he feels and tries to help him to understand? Does anything he does, has done, even come close to what Baekhyun deserves? Will it ever begin to make up for everything Baekhyun has given him, sacrificed for him, fought for for him? 

No. It won't be. There is nothing he could ever do that could even begin to repay all he has been given.

And then everything catches up to him, all his guilt and sadness, all he owes and all he could never repay and he feels himself losing control, losing himself to the wave of guilt that washes over him.

Then Baekhyun's hand is on his face, stroking his chubby cheeks and wiping away the tears which fall from his watery eyes as he whispers soft praises and reassurances in his ear and presses constant kisses to his face. Chanyeol gives a soft cry and Baekhyun gently shushes him with a soft "I know". Chanyeol cries once more and wraps his arms around Baekhyun's neck and rests his head on Baekhyun's. 

Baekhyun runs a hand through his hair and presses more kisses to his cheeks. "Are you okay?" 

"Don't know," he whispers. "Baekhyun." 

"Hey, baby, I'm here," Baekhyun reassures. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"I can't. Baekhyun, I can't." 

"I know, baby, we're gonna get you away from here, alright? Gonna get you home. Does that sound okay?" 

Chanyeol doesn't know. There's too many things happening, too many sounds and sights and smells and too many things to consider. Does he want to go home? Does he want to stay? Does he want to leave, leave this city and these people and everything that has ever hurt him, and not come back? He doesn't know. 

Baekhyun says something else, another question, perhaps, or another comfort, but his voice is distant now, like an old record left to gather dust, the sounds fading over time, and Chanyeol doesn't know what he's saying, can't make out the sounds or pull them apart from each other into words he can understand and he wants to tell him, needs to tell him, but the words get caught in his thought as they always do and then fade, fade beyond recognition until they are just as alien as the ones that surround him on the busy street as he closes in on himself. 

And then he's falling. His legs give out, ladened by the burden of all they support, all they have endured, and his tall, lanky, ugly body comes crashing down onto the sidewalk. And Baekhyun is there once again, wrapping strong arms around his shivering form and humming a sweet song in his ear and he calms instantly. Baekhyun knows. Baekhyun knows his words have abandoned him, deserted him in his time of need, he knows exactly what's happening. And he knows how to get through to him. How to break through the barriers built of fear and shame and guilt and confusion and speak to him, to the soul which hides inside the shell of his broken body. Music. A constant, a pillar of hope and tranquility among so much change. 

It's that song again. From the music shop. From the long road trips to the beach, from the tiny café in Busan that seemed to play it on loop, from late nights by the piano, from dawn on a hill feeling the rising sun on his face, from each moment of each memory that built him into who he is and lives within him today. And he starts to remember. Starts to ground himself. 

He's on the sidewalk outside a run-down thrift store. Baekhyun is beside him, holding him close, running a hand through his hair and soothing him with foreign words that slowly drift back into his consciousness, like a long-lost lover he can never truly forget, and suddenly they have meaning, suddenly they bring comfort and suddenly everything starts to make sense, unraveling from each other, pulling certainties from uncertainties until it's clear. Baekhyun is still there. His heartbeat is steady and unwavering in the comfort it brings to him, steady beat giving him a focus, a path. He's okay. He's with Baekhyun. He's okay.

"Oh Chanyeol, I'm sorry," Baekhyun says. His words are distant, faded, but he can just make them out. "I know you don't want to answer questions right now. Let's go home, come on." 

Chanyeol nods, breaks out of Baekhyun's grip and tries to get up, but is hit with a sudden vertigo that would have sent him crashing back down onto the sidewalk were it not for Baekhyun, whose arms immediately wrap around him and help him to steady himself. Baekhyun's voice is warm and soothing against his ear. 

"Come on, silly baby, let's get you home. I'll help you walk." 

"Thank you," Chanyeol mumbles. 

"You're welcome, baby, it's okay," Baekhyun says. "Almost there now, come on. We'll get home and then we'll get you do bed, yeah?" 

Chanyeol swears it's afternoon. But he knows he could do with a rest and he's in no mood to argue with Baekhyun right now. So he just nods. 

Within minutes of stumbling through the front door, dizzy and distraught, Chanyeol's been tucked into bed and left alone with the promise that Baekhyun will be there soon, he just has to do a few things while Chanyeol sleeps. 

But Chanyeol doesn't sleep. Of course he doesn't; his brain is far too alert, far too anxious to allow him to fall asleep, especially while he's alone, without Baekhyun and his hugs and kisses and words of reassurance. So he just lays there, staring up at the ceiling he can't see, trying to imagine what the stars Baekhyun stuck up there last week look like, trying to imagine them shining down on him, like the stars that watched over him in Kyungsoo's treehouse, like the stars that start to bid hello beyond his bedroom window as the day fades into night. 

As minutes pass, marked by the faint ticking of the clock in their kitchen, Chanyeol's mind wanders further, past the stars on the ceiling and the treehouse that has likely been taken down, past the teddies that surround him, past the soft baby blankets that lay on top of his frail body, past everything that surrounds him, everything that doesn't and everything that never will. It wanders past them all, further and further into himself until it reaches the thing he had been trying to ignore. This afternoon. That woman, her awful, cold, nasally voice, and everything it said. 

The longer he's left alone, surrounded by the darkness to which he is so accustomed, her words start to make more and more sense. 

She was right. The woman was right. They were all right; everyone who has ever questioned or doubted or outright disputed the relationship was right. Chanyeol is a burden. Baekhyun is too good for him. Baekhyun can do better. He ought to let go of the burden, the pillar of sacrifice and dependence that is Chanyeol, find someone who will not just treasure him like he treasures them, but can show him, can remind him of the love they share in all they do, all they give. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't even think about it, of course not, because he's far too selfless and giving to consider his own happiness for even a second. No, if Baekhyun is going to find the person he deserves, Chanyeol needs to force him. Chanyeol needs to leave. For Baekhyun's sake. 

The thought of leaving is daunting, his worst nightmare come to life within himself, and just the idea of being without Baekhyun brings tears to his eyes. But this isn't about him. This is about Baekhyun. 

So there he lies, alone in the bed that feels like home, clinging to the blankets that smell like Baekhyun, waiting for the person he is soon to lose to walk in so that he can feel him, be with him, one last tien. 

Baekhyun comes in hours later, though his loneliness makes it feels like days, pulls him close and kisses his forehead before drifting off to sleep, a wide-awake Chanyeol still fidgeting in his arms. Chanyeol waits for a few hours, snuggling against Baekhyun's chest, listening to his heartbeat and his soft breathing and quiet mutterings about God knows what. Takes the time to trace a finger down Baekhyun's face, admiring what is surely the closest thing to perfection there ever was, will ever be, breathing in his scent which is soft and gentle and lovely, just like Baekhyun; a scent of strawberries and ice cream and old books and coffee and the rain, all the little things Baekhyun holds most dear. He presses kiss after kiss to Baekhyun's face, soft enough so as not to wake him, before sliding back down to lay his chest one last time. 

On Friday night, as Baekhyun lays motionless in their bed - his bed - Chanyeol slips free from his grip before slowly trudging down the hallway to the unlocked door. He walks out, shuts it, and feels his way out of their apartment building and onto the streets below. On Friday night, Chanyeol leaves. 

Pushing open the door to the outside world, Chanyeol is immediate hit with a harsh wind, harsher than anything he'd felt even by the crashing waves of the ocean. It pounds against his face with such violence and intensity it almost pierces his skin. Maybe it's a sign. A sign to go back inside, go back to Baekhyun and forget about everything that has happened tonight. But he's made it this far, the furthest he's ever made it without Baekhyun, he has to keep going. He has to do this for Baekhyun. So he does. Walks out of the building, onto the busy streets beyond, each shuffled step pushing him further and further from his home - no, Baekhyun's home - and towards the noise of the city. But where? Where is he going? Where can he go? 

He doesn't know this city, has never ventured into it without Baekhyun by his side, guarding him from the terrifying unknown he is now faced with, that now stares him down, mocks him, taunts him. Now he has to figure it out. Has to figure out where to go, where to avoid, where the hell he even is. But he can't. He can't. He's gone too far for too long. He's alone. He's made a mistake. 

Now the city he thought would be their escape, Baekhyun's escape, is petrifying, paralysing, horrifically mysterious and unknown and loud. So fucking loud he can't hear himself think, can't even hear the thoughts that now must guide him to safety, to a sanctuary which can replace the home he has forsaken. And it is only now, now that he is faced with the endless stretch of a city he cannot see, does not know, that he realises how dependent on Baekhyun he truly was. Truly is. 

He needs to get out of the cold. Needs to find somewhere warm, somewhere that feels safe and warm and homely, like Baekhyun's hugs and Baekhyun's voice and- no. He can't. He can't do this. Baekhyun isn't his anymore. Chanyeol threw him away. Threw everything away. He needs to get out of the cold. 

He walks down the street, step by step, tripping over stones and ledges and his own feet until he feels a soothing warmth on his face. Light. It must be light. He must have found somewhere. He walks towards it, closer and closer until he manages to pull open the door and the smell of coffee hits him. It's disgusting, as bitter and gross as the drink itself, but it means safety. It means warmth. He's found somewhere safe. Well, the closest thing to safety that exists outside of Baekhyun. 

Somehow, he manages to find his way to a seat and settles ungracefully into it, resting his tired head against the wall. He can almost feel the eyes of the other people on him, can almost hear their hushed whispers as they gossip of the pitiful figure slumped down in the corner. He doesn't blame them. He knows he looks weird, feeling his way inside and to the chairs, shivering from the bitter winds and muttering unintelligible babble, babble of pain and regret and all the mistakes he's made tonight. And it's not like he's not used to being stared at, to being the freak in the corner, being ridiculed and whisperer about by people who believe he is too stupid to comprehend the sounds they make. No, he's used to all of it, every glare and every whisper and every off handed comment thrown his way, but this time, on this stupid, endless night that seems to stretch further and further the more pained he becomes, it's different. This time, Baekhyun isn't there to glare back, to tell them that they both know exactly what they're saying, to hold him close and comfort him and tell him that nothing they said is true, he's not a freak, he's not dangerous, he's beautiful and magical and his, his boy, his love, his baby. But not anymore.

What has he done? How could he have been so stupid? Everything's ruined now. Everything's ruined and it's his fault. He deserves this. 

He's close to collapsing onto the floor, to curling into a ball of vulnerability and regret and accepting that his life, that is no longer a life but merely an existence, no longer includes Baekhyun, when a voice breaks through his despair. 

"Chanyeol?" 

That voice. He knows that voice. He's heard it before, so many times it seems an extension of himself. It's the same voice that sings him to sleep each night, the same voice that whispers in his ear as he's pulled close, tells him that everything will be okay because they're together, they've got each other, they're safe. The same voice that praises and rewards him for the tiniest things, that never shouts, despite how much it might want to, and always explains exactly what Chanyeol's done wrong. The same voice that tells him the colour of his shirt each morning, that spends hours explaining something to him that others would understand in a minute but never complains. Never complains. And the voice is here, reaching towards him through terror and uncertainty. Baekhyun. He found him. Baekhyun. 

"Baek," Chanyeol whispers, reaching his arms out to where Baekhyun seems to be. 

Then Baekhyun is next to him, pulling him towards him, running strong hands down his back and through his hair, whispering praises that break through Chanyeol's fear, his pain and regret, and speak to him in a way only Baekhyun can. He feels himself calm within his embrace, within the safety and comfort that embrace entails. And slowly, so slowly, all the heartache and confusion and the lingering fog that clouds them all, that makes even his most painful, most difficult emotions unclear to him, makes everything blurry and confusing and horrible, disappears, replaced by relief and love and tenderness and Baekhyun, his symbol of hope and serenity among terror and uncertainty. His everything. And he's here. 

"Fuck," Baekhyun says. "Fuck, Chanyeol, baby, I was worried. I was so worried." 

"I'm sorry," Chanyeol sobs against Baekhyun's shoulder. "Baekhyun, don't let go." 

"I won't let go, love, come on. You're safe now." 

Baekhyun's hand runs through his hair, one arm wrapping around Chanyeol and pulling him onto his lap. "You're fine. I'm here, it's okay." 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Chanyeol sobs apology after apology until the words run dry, lose their meaning but still seem almost painfully comfortable. 

Baekhyun says nothing. He just holds him, tighter than Chanyeol has ever been held before, as though Chanyeol would slip away if he were to let go. Holds him close, lets him bury his chest and cry, cry for his mistakes, for the terrifying unknown which surrounds him, for the stupid, thoughtless assumption that he could go a day, a second, a single moment of his life, without Baekhyun. And then Chanyeol's saying something, but he doesn't know what. He knows he's just babbling now; even he can't pull the words which spill from him from the cries and sobs which enclose them. But Baekhyun listens, tries to listen, rubs gentle circles on his back and gently shushes him each time his babbles turn to screams, reminds him that he's safe, he's okay, they're okay, nothing can hurt him now. 

After minutes of silence, broken only by Baekhyun's shushes and reassurances, Chanyeol manages to piece together the words he needs to say. "Where… are we?" Slowly. Painfully slowly. But it's enough. 

"We're in a café, Yeol, near the shopping centre. I don't know how you ended up here, honestly, but it's okay. You're safe now." 

"Sorry," Chanyeol repeats. He's not sure how many times he's going to say that word; at this point it is second nature to him. But Baekhyun, sweet, forgiving Baekhyun, has none of it, and presses a finger to Chanyeol's lips. 

"I know, love," he whispers. "You don't need to say it again. I'm not angry." 

"You're not?" 

In all honesty, Chanyeol's surprised. Not that Baekhyun's an angry person, he's far from it in fact, but Chanyeol assumed that, if there were any time when Baekhyun would be angry with him, it would be right now. Baekhyun has very few rules, and none that they haven't agreed on despite Chanyeol's endless complaints over Baekhyun's strictness in the years following, but of the few he does have, safety is the top one. Keep yourself safe. Let me keep you safe. Don't go out alone. Always tell me where you are. And he's broken all of them. In one night. And these rules, these ones in particular, are probably the only ones which can make Baekhyun really, properly angry. He's broken all of them. He's broken all of them. All of them. 

So it's quite the surprise when Baekhyun sighs, presses a kiss to Chanyeol's head and says, "no." 

"Really?" 

"No, Chanyeol, I'm not angry," Baekhyun says. "I'm just very tired. Do you have any idea how fucking terrified I was when I woke up and you weren't there? I thought something bad had happened, Chanyeol. I thought someone had taken you. I thought I'd lost you." 

Baekhyun's voice is stern, like a father scolding a child, but it has a certain quiver in it that Chanyeol recognises in himself and it makes him want to scream. Baekhyun's been crying. Baekhyun's been crying for him. Because of him.

"I'm sorry." 

"Stop apologising, baby, it's okay," Baekhyun says. His voice has softened considerably and it brings a small comfort to Chanyeol. "But we'll need to talk about this… issue, when we get home." 

"Okay." 

Once they make it home, Baekhyun sits Chanyeol down on the sofa, runs his hand through his hair and reassures him that he's not angry, he's not in trouble and everything's going to be okay, before launching into what is quite possibly the longest and most painful, but simultaneously the gentlest and most patient lecture of his life. Each word Baekhyun says, voice firm but broken, yet so very gentle, each sob he tries to hide hits him like a ton of bricks, relentless in the torturous reminders of exactly what he's done. He made his boyfriend cry. The man who lives for him, who has spent a lifetime caring for him, loving him, learning exactly what he needs and how to give it to him, cried because of him. Because of what he did. He fucked up. He fucked up. 

When Baekhyun comes close to him and mutters "I was so scared", Chanyeol bursts into tears. So does Baekhyun. 

"I'm sorry," Chanyeol says between gasps. 

"Stop it," Baekhyun mutters. "Look, if you… shit, I need to pull myself together. If you want to leave, if you truly want to leave me, I'm not going to stop you. You have the right. But you have to tell me first. I thought you were in danger, Yeol." 

"I don't," Chanyeol cries. "I don't want to leave you, Baekhyun. Please don't, please don't make me leave. Wanna stay here with you." 

"Oh, Chanyeol," Baekhyun says. His voice is loving and patient, like it always is, but the happiness that always lurks behind it is gone. It's gone and it's his fault. It's Chanyeol's fault. He did this to him. 

"Baby, no one's making you leave," Baekhyun continues. "And no one's angry at you. But clearly there are some things - issues that we need to work through. You've been bottling things up, haven't you?" 

Chanyeol nods. "Yes," he whispers. 

"You know I don't like that. It's not good for you. I need to know what's bothering you, don't I?" 

"Yes, you do," Chanyeol says. "Baekhyun. I love you."

"I'm smiling," Baekhyun says and Chanyeol gives a small noise of happiness. "I love you too. But can you tell me why I need to know what's bothering you, Yeol?" 

"Because… so that you can help me. And then I can feel happy again." 

"Ah, good boy, that's right," Baekhyun says. As he speaks, a slight happiness begins to creep back into his voice and Chanyeol smiles. 

"Good job," Baekhyun says. "You make me so proud, smiley boy."

"Kiss me," Chanyeol demands. His voice comes out far softer than he intended and Baekhyun squeals. 

"Oh sweet boy," he mumbles. "Of course." 

For a moment, Baekhyun seems to hesitate, as though unsure of whether the other is ready, but when Chanyeol lets out a soft whine, his lips are gently pressed against his boyfriend's and Chanyeol melts. The kiss is soft, tender, grounding, everything Baekhyun is and Chanyeol isn't. It holds a thousand stories, of everything they have shared and loved together; of laughter and fragments of songs that never leave his head, of the first snow that falls on his face as Baekhyun hovers beside him, telling him how beautiful he looks and how much he is treasured and loved, of happiness and sadness, of failure and success, of the best and the worst times, the latest nights and the earliest mornings spent in each other's arms, everything they want to say but can't somehow reaching each other through the silence that seems so scary, so constant and yet so unpredictable, but in each other's arms brings them a comfort like no other. And today, on the sofa in the living room, as a million thoughts follow each wandering of his mind, it holds forgiveness. Unconditional forgiveness. He's okay. He's loved. They're going to be happy again. 

"I love you," Chanyeol says. He briefly wonders how many times he's said those words - hundreds, maybe thousands - but Baekhyun is speaking before the thought brings him anywhere. 

"I love you too. Now can you tell me why you left?" 

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol says, begs. "Please." 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Baekhyun says. "But I need to know. Whatever's wrong, I need to know so we can fix it together." 

Together. He really likes that word, he has ever since he met Baekhyun. Because to him, to them, it's not just a word. It's a promise, a vow to protect and love each other until their dying breaths. To take every problem, every worry and every fear and split it, tear it to pieces, tiny pieces that are easy to understand, easy to swallow and digest. To work through them, one by one, until the problem, the fear is gone, and nothing remains but their love for one another and the safety they find in each other's arms. To hold onto that love, that safety and never let go, no matter how difficult or hopeless it becomes. To love and be loved by each other. 

Chanyeol takes a deep, almost greedy breath. He allows the air to fill his lungs, breathing new life to the slight happiness that slowly starts to bloom within him as he feels Baekhyun's warm presence beside him. He fills his mind, his body, his soul with the fresh air of love and forgiveness, then breathes out, slowly, takes his time to let go of his breath and all held within it. And then he's free. Baekhyun's hand intertwines with his own. A silent reassurance. He can do this. He's got this. 

"I just…" Chanyeol begins, and before he can say anything he feels his words begin to leave him, but this time he doesn't let go, he refuses to give up all he has fought and worked for. He finds a word, just one word floating among the constant blur of a language that escapes him, and clings to it, holds on and doesn't let go. 

"Burden," he says. "I'm a burden."

Chanyeol can almost see Baekhyun's face of disappointment. "Chanyeol…" 

"No, Baek, listen," Chanyeol continues. He's found his words, just a few, but he knows that soon they'll be leaving him too, so he needs to use them while they're here, force them out of his mouth before silence is all he has. "I wanted you to find someone. Someone better than me. Because I'm a burden and I don't deserve you." 

"Do you really think you're a burden?" 

Baekhyun's voice is the softest it has ever been, like a child just starting to talk, and it feels vulnerable. So incredibly vulnerable. 

"Yes," Chanyeol says. "You do everything for me. And I don't- I can't do enough for you." 

"And that's why you left? Because you think you're not good enough for me?" 

"Yes. Because you need someone who can be good to you. Who can give you what you need. I know I can't, I can't do anything for you." 

"Chanyeol," Baekhyun says. "You are so good to me."

"No, Baekhyun," Chanyeol says, almost shouting. "I'm not. It's not enough. Nothing is enough." 

"It is enough. Your love is enough. That's all I have ever asked for and it's all I will ever ask for. It's all I need." 

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol whispers. "I love you." 

"I'm smiling. I love you too, baby. So much." 

Chanyeol smiles his lopsided smile, the one he hates so much it makes him want to scream, but for once, he doesn't think about how ugly and weird he must look, must seem. He just smiles. Smiles a smile so wide his face can scarcely contain it, a smile so joyful and loving it almost seems wrong, wrong that he feel so happy, so peaceful and free, but at the same time it seems so right, as if this happiness, this joy, were his fate right from the very start, from the moment he came into this world and saw only darkness. 

But now that same darkness is not so dark, not so haunting and inescapable. Because Baekhyun, his Baekhyun, came along and painted it, painted it with blues and pinks and yellows, all the colours he has never seen but loves so much. Painted it with moments and memories, with long road trips to the ocean and smoothies that taste like adventure and places that sound like curiosity and a life from which they are both so determined to squeeze every smile, every laugh, every memory that they can look back on when they're old and grey and fading from this world and smile once more, for they know, everyone knows, that they got everything they could out of their lives. That they took all they were given, all they worked and fought for, and built into a memory, a moment, a life worth remembering. 

Chanyeol's favourite colour is blue. Like the ocean. Like so many things that he never would have felt, never would have experienced, were it not for the man that holds him as if he is the only thing that matters, the only thing he needs, the only thing he loves. 

Chanyeol loves Baekhyun. He always has. And he knows that, in their final days, as they hold each other so close, so gently, preparing themselves for whatever lies beyond the lives they lived so joyfully, he will love Baekhyun just as much, just as fully and unconditionally as he always did. And in the end, that's all that really matters.

**Author's Note:**

> You made it!!!!!!! Thank you so much for reading, please comment and tell me what you think!!!!!!!!!


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